• EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later


  • "Very funny, Scotty Now beam down my clothes"


  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine


  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot


  • He who laughs last thinks slowest!

  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else


  • A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries


  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math


  • I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac


  • Hard work has a future payoff, Laziness pays off now


  • I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it


  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy


  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps


  • I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it


  • Where there's a will, I want to be in it


  • Few women admit their age


  • Few men act theirs


  • We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?


  • All generalizations are false, including this one


  • "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy


  • It's as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you


  • When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the taxman)


  • I is a college student


  • Beer isn't just for breakfast any more


  • Don't steal, The government hates competition


  • The weather is here


  • Wish you were beautiful


  • I need someone really bad, Are you really bad?


  • Smile, It's the second best thing you can do with your lips


  • Don't laugh, Your daughter could be in this vehicle


  • If money could talk, it would say goodbye


  • When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger


  • Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it


  • Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist


  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear


  • 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't


  • Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

  • I fish! Therefore, I lie.

    I swerve for cats.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

    As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

    Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

    Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

    I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
    ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
    (They were screaming "Stop reading that insanely long bumper
    sticker and watch the road!!!")


    It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

    When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

    I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

    Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

    If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.

    Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!

    We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

    Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home    .