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Seven year itch or The Thrill is GoneThe beau was so in love that he told her
he would go through hell itself for her. He had no idea, after they'd
married, that she would make him keep his promise. "Marriages don't last. When I meet a
guy, the first question I ask myself is: "Is this the man I want my
children to spend their weekends with?" Just Remember: If you have tried to do
something and failed, you are far better off than if you had tried to do
nothing and succeeded. Women are like guns, keep one around long
enough and you're going to want to shoot it. FACT: Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati
filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She
testified he'd stepped out "for a beer" on the Fourth of July,
1917, and had never come back. After having sex I rolled over and asked
her, "Honey, was that good for you?" Q: How can you tell a husband is losing
interest in his wife??? Q: Why do most men die before their wives
? Wife: "Why don't you ever call out my
name when we're making love?" The magic of first love is our ignorance
that it can ever end. --Benjamin Disraeli A Puzzle:Your dog's barking at the back door. Your
wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but
the dog'll stop barking when you let him in. This is probably a true story!A man and his wife are driving home from a
party and get pulled over by a Officer: Sir, did you know you were
speeding? LIFESAVERSA teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the
lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys,
they're assholes!" Q: How is a marriage like a hot bath? -- Marriage is not just a word; it is a
sentence. Boring Husband: Honey, why are you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger? First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an
angel!" -- Q: What's the difference between a woman
with PMS and a pit bull ? There were three guys in a bar. Two are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third
remains silent. After awhile one of the first two turned to the third and
say's "Well what about you, what sort of control do you have over your
wife?" Marriage is grand — and divorce is about
10 grand. Before we got married, I caught her in my
arms. Married life is very frustrating. In the
first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. After a quarrel, a wife said to her
husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the
husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice
it." A broken heart is what makes life so
wonderful five years later, when you see the guy in an elevator and he is
fat and smoking a cigar and saying "Long Time, No See." --Phyllis
Battelle When a man opens the door of his car for
his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. BARTENDER: I think you've had enough, sir.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a double
shot of bourbon. He downs it then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a
picture. He stares at The picture for a moment then puts it away and orders
another double. I met Callahan on the street yesterday. He
looked terrible, all beat up. "What happened to you?" I asked,
"I thought you were living the life of Riley." He replied, "I
was, but he came home unexpectedly." A man rushed home from work and exclaimed
to his wife, "Pack your bags. I've won the lottery!" The wife
excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
He says, "Pack 'em all, you're leaving!" Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some
mornings I just let her sleep. As was common, they got into a nasty
quarrel at breakfast. "You're not good in bed, either!" yelled the
husband as he stormed out to work. Around lunch time, he had cooled off and
decided to apologize, so he called home. After many rings, his wife
answered. "What took you so long?" he yelled as his temperate
began to rise again. Ever since they got married, the wife has
had a padlocked chest by the foot of their bed. Despite his pleadings from
time to time, she never revealed the contents to him. Finally, on their
silver anniversary, the wife agreed to let him see the contents. He watched
steadfastly as she unlocked the chest and opened the lid. Inside were two
ears of corn and twenty-five thousand pounds. He looked at the chest and
looked at his wife. His wife said, "It is like this. Every time I
cheated on you, I put in an ear of corn." He was surprised to learn she
has been unfaithful. But twice in twenty-five years wasn't that bad, so he
smiled and asked, "What about the money?" "Well, every time I
reached a bushel, I sold it." Both of my marriages have been
disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't. The husband bought his frigid wife a big
tube of K-Y jelly and told her, "This will make you happy." It
did. I don't want to say my wife is frigid... A woman took her husband to a psychiatrist
for an evaluation. After an examination, the doctor took the woman aside and
said, "I have bad news. There is nothing I can do to help. Your
husband's mind is completely gone."
A quick long one:It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!" Sympathy for the Devil One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey,don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope. Sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
There are three kinds of sex that a
married couple has: All over the house sex; bedroom sex and hall sex.
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