Food

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
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WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?
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My family eats from the 3 basic food groups; canned, frozen and take-out.
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WIFE: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"
HUSBAND: "No thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
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A THOUGHT: A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same.
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NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE: Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.
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The dotty old man asked his dotty old wife to make him a hot fudge sundae. She went to the kitchen and returned with a plate of scrambled eggs. He got really upset. "Where's the bacon?!"
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Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date.
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DIET DEFINITIONS: The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.
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Q: What what can you make from baked beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.
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Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and eight kids?
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ADAM TO EVE BEFORE THE GUESTS ARRIVE: Honey, did you put my pants in the salad again?
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The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
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A Catholic comes home from work on a Friday.
"Honey? Can you cook whale for supper?"
"Whale? No, we don't have any whale."
"Shark, then?"
"None of that either."
"Well, fix me a steak, then. Lord knows I asked for fish!"
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"Bakin' Makin"

Ingredients:

2 loving eyes
2 loving arms
2 well shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur lined mixing bowl
2 large nuts
1 large banana

Method:

1. Look into loving eyes
2. Fold in loving arms
3. Spread well shaped legs
4. Squeeze and massage milk containers gently until fur lined mixing bowl
is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief.
7. Cake done when banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils
and don't lick the bowl.

NB. If cake begins to rise, leave town immediately.
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A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing
good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
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Three construction works atop a new building, eating lunch.

The Italian says, 'I'm really tired of this spaghetti, if I have this one more day, I swear I'm going to jump and end it all'.

His co-worker, from Germany, says 'Ach, this sausage is really too much every day. If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm with you. I'll jump as well'.

The Irishman looks at his lunch and says 'Irish stew, Irish stew, again. I'm tired of this, I'll jump as well. I'm with you guys'

So, the next day all co-workers open their lunches, and sure enough each has the same thing yet again. So they all jump off the building to their deaths.

All three wives of the workers meet at the funeral wake and being talking. The Italian lady says 'If only he had said something, I thought it was his favorites. He only had to ask. I don't understand it'.

The German lady says, 'It's been his favorites meal ever since we were married, 10 years ago. I don't understand it'.

The Irish lady says 'I really don't understand it. He always packs is own lunch!!'
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