For all
the Bachelors
"She's a lovely person. She deserves
a good husband. Marry her before she finds one."
- Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiance
--
I met the perfect women once...
Sadly, she was looking for the perfect man!!!!!!!!
--
A Relationship of Convenience?
FACT: After Albert Einstein had been at
Princeton for some months, local news hounds discovered that a
twelve-year-old girl happened to stop by the Einstein home almost every
afternoon. The girl's mother hadn't thought to ask Einstein about the
situation until the newspapers reported it, but when she got the opportunity
after that she did so. What could her daughter and Einstein have in common
that they spent so much time together? Einstein replied simply, "She
brings me cookies and I do her arithmetic homework."
--
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: ...because it's always good for the dishwasher to match the fridge and
stove.
--
Bachelor: -- A guy who has avoided the
opportunity to make some woman miserable.
-- A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
-- A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction.
-- A man who never makes the same mistake once.
-- A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
-- A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
-- A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
-- The only kind of man who has never told his wife a lie.
--
A "Living Together" cheat sheet
A guide to make the transition from
bachelor to Significant-Other a smooth affair.
1. Put the seat back down when you're
done.
2. Never hog the blankets.
3. Don't drink straight from the carton.
it's rude (apparently)
4. Roll from the bottom, not squeeze from
the middle
5. Turn your own socks right-side-out of
you want them washed that way
6. Flatulence does nothing for ‘the
mood’
7. Don't clip your toenails in bed
8. Use your own toothbrush
9. Reds are considered darks, not lights
10. No cameras in the bathroom
11. Never belch and pretend that it was a
hiccup
12. Never drink all of the OJ 'cept for a
few drops and put the pitcher back in the fridge
13. Don't expect a kiss if you ate garlic
for lunch
14. Never sit around in underwear only
15. Don't use the last of the TP and then
pretend you didn't notice. the same goes for Kleenex, don't leave an empty
box sitting there
16. Don't pick your earwigs at the table,
and Jesus, don't smell your finger afterwards either
17. Discourage the 'there's still some
left' game with the shower soap. go get a new bar when it gets low
Also, a few suggestions to consider..
these are items that don't necessarily fit into the category of ‘things
that encourage domestic harmony’ but they can help you keep an edge to
your sanity. Thus, for the sake of self-preservation (and by extension, the
betterment of the couple), I offer these additional words of wisdom.
1. discourage nagging by answering ‘yes,
dear’ to all prompts. the topic of discussion is irrelevant. apply as
needed, but be ready to duck.
2. roll over your end of the blankets to
retain possession of your share before you fall to sleep.
3. convince your partner that you have bad
hearing. ask him or her to repeat the question at intermittent intervals.
this strategy will prove to be extremely useful if you ever need to stall
for time.
4. make the most of a snoring partner by
keeping a bottle of bubbles near your bed. note: you can extend your
playtime by applying the bubble wand on the exhale, not the inhale (this
also works with a harmonica.. for shorter periods though).
--SOME SAY: A bachelor is a man who prefers the ball without the chain.
--
Confucius say: Man who sink into woman's
arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
--
Bachelor: A guy who believes in life,
liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
--
THE MEN'S ROOM WALL SAYS: "Never turn
your back on anything that can bleed for five days and live."
--
The best way to fight a woman is with your
hat...grab it and run! -John Barrymore.
--
The only thing worse than being a bachelor
is being a bachelor's son.
--
The difference between a mistress and a
wife is the difference between day and night.
--
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but
so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.
-- Cass Daley
--
Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house
(and a fire) to put her in.
...Benjamin Franklin
--
They say that love is the answer, but
while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
--
Q: How do you make 6 pounds of fat
attractive?
A: Put a nipple on it.
--
On the issue of potency:
Q: How is an all-night stud different from
a premature ejaculator?
A: One is good for seconds, the other is good for seconds
--
A cocktail party is an affair where a mans
gets stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return home to find that neither is
either.
--
"Marriage is a great institution, but
I'm not ready for an institution." -- Mae West
--
QUESTION FOR THE RELUCTANT BACHELOR: How's
your love life...still holding your own?
--
Q: Why is sex like winning at bridge?
A: You either need a good partner or a good hand.
--
Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?
--
*Sex is like air, it's not important
unless you aren't getting enough.
--
Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor
party where the cake came out of the girl?
--
They say man is incomplete until he is
married. Then he is truly finished. --Zsa Zsa Gabor
--
When a newly married couple smiles,
everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couples smiles, everyone wonders why.
--
BACHELOR: A man who believes in life,
liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
--
Q: What did the bra say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead, I'm gonna give these two a lift.
--
The perfect t-shirt to get their
attention: "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
--
Two little boys were playing together when
a cute, curly-haired girl walked by.
"You know something? When I stop hating girls, I think I'll stop hating
that one first!"
--
Pinnochio's girlfriend complained that he
was giving her splinters during their love-making.
He went to the carpenter who made him and asked what he could do about it.
"Sandpaper my boy," the old carpenter said. "Use some
sandpaper."
A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again and asked,
"So how are you getting on with the girls now, Pinoke?"
"Girls? Who needs girls?"
--
Sexist dictionary: WIFE -- An attachment
you screw on the bed to get the house work done!
--
Q: What's the difference between a
counterfeit pound bill and a very thin woman?
A: The counterfeit bill is a phoney buck.
--
Pick-up Line
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful
woman sitting at the bar. After gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, is this seat taken?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her
lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar
is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes,
the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm
studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?"
--
A group of married guys are sitting in a
bar having a few drinks together. The youngest, concerned about keeping the
fire burning at home asks, "What do you guys do to keep your wives
aroused?"
"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to
the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals and sprinkle them all
over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that makes her
moan."
Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it
gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I climb outta bed
and wipe my johnson on the curtains. Drives her freaking nuts!"
--
Advice:
This joke was told by the father of the
bride at the wedding reception:
I first met Glen when he came to work for
me in one of our restaurants. After a few weeks, he approached me and said
"Chris, you're a man of the world, how do you attract the attention of
a girl you fancy?"
I had no idea that the girl in question was my daughter, so I said,
"Look Glen, go into the kitchen, find yourself a couple of nice sized
potatoes, and stick 'em in your underpants."
A week went by before I saw him again, and I shouted across the kitchen,
"Hey Glen, how's your love life going?"
He ambled towards me sullenly and muttered "Well, to tell you the
truth,
things have got worse since I took your advice."
I took one look at him, and immediately saw the problem. "Glen", I
said, "the potatoes are supposed to go in the front." <chatd@mail.icomnet.com>
--
After all, What are Friends For?
Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy
Bob. They load up Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a
few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house
if they can spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explains,
"and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house." "Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to
sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up
his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow
at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks a lot, pal...she just died and left me her farm."
--
Finally! A Night Out.
Sam has been in the computer business for
25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50
acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six
months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter
standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from
four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like
to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after
six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta
warn you there's gonna be some drinkin."
"Not a problem...after 25 years in
the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too."
Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd.
"Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door.
"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says
Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there
... by the way, what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says
"Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."
--
And remember guys: while
sex using a condom may be like taking a shower in a raincoat, sex without a
condom is like taking a bath with the toaster.
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